You know you're a Serb if...

The vocabulary here is slightly rougher here than usual for this blog; my apologies if anyone is offended. Nonetheless, it's worth a read if you are a Serb or are acquainted with any Serbs:

From LA Serbs:

Your mom uses lard instead of Crisco to fry eggs.

Your family owns a coffee grinder..and a nut grinder

You have 17 consonants and 2 vowels in your last name

Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a screwdriver .

Baba chased you around the house with Kamilica to drink and Vicks toshove up your nose when you had a cold.

Your 15 year old sister can out-drink any Amerikanac

You get a C in history, but can recite every Serbian king, in order,from Czar Dusan

Your dad never told you about the birds and the bees

At your wedding you know only about a third of the people there.

At your wedding you have a minimum of 350 guests.

At your wedding the first song is always "danas majka zeni svoga sina".

You have at least 3 slave to attend to on the same day.

All slave have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".

All weddings have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".

All christenings have the cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".

A Serb girl tries to look 23 but she's actually 15.

At least one of your friends name is "Dragan".

You are somehow related to every 1 in 3 Serb girls/boys.

You don't actually attend University, just hang out there and play "tablic".

You can derive "Steve" from "Nenad".

You can derive "David" from "Zeljko".

You can derive "Mark" from "Mirko".

Your father calls you a "dummy" for not knowing how to do something he can't either.

Even the fat Serb chicks put on the tightest skirt possible.

Your father expects you to study or "hit da books" every waking hour that he's home, and he expects nothing less than an "A".

A cold shiver runs down your spine when your mom threatens by using the word "tata" in a sentence.

Your Deda cuts the grass with knee high black socks and slippers.

You work out six days a week, but somehow you dad whoops your ass in like five seconds after he comes home from a thirteen hour day from the bakery/factory/food business.

You own a leather jacket.

You have three pairs of black shoes.

You drive a nicer car than your parents.

There is a 120-gallon barrel of wine and Cabbage in your garage.

There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.

You hear birds chirping and see the sun rise every time you come home from the bar.

Your mother still makes your bed.

You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your brother's name.

Every car your family owns has chrome wheels.

Your Baba calls all cereal "Corn Flakes".

You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.

Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.

Your dad wears black socks to work everyday.

Your Baba and Deda live in your basement.

You wear a DKNY t-shirt when you work out.

Your parents never go on vacations because they are afraid to leave you home alone for a week.

You have all brand new appliances in your kitchen but your mom cooks in the basement with the stove from your old house.

Your baba swears more than you do.

Your dad claims not to be a racist but insists the whole world should speak Serbian.

You are prohibited from speaking English in you own home.

Before school every morning your parents had to look after the sheep, milk the cows, gather all hay, feed the animals etc..

Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5km uphill both ways. And over rocks.

Your parents can't pronounce "Thursday".

You argue that your mobile phone is better than anyone else's.

Your mum makes her own bread and slices it with a BIG kitchen knife to a thickness of 5cm per slice.

You have the biggest sandwiches at school, always consisting of "prsut Or salami".

Your dad wears dress socks with tennis shoes.

Each one of your friends has a distinct, annoying laugh.

All the hot girls/guys are your cousins.

Your dad starts to swear obsessively whenever he watches CNN.

Your parents have gone on vacation ONCE and it was to Yugo.

There's oil stains on your driveway.

There's at least one relative that your family refuses to talk to.

Being someone's KUM really has no meaning.

Your dad thinks he knows everything about the world today.

You had to break off a tree branch from your back yard, so your dad could whoop your ass with it.

When your walls are crowded with icons of saints

Your last name ends with a CH

You have black hair and brown eyes

When you speak Serbian and not English on your "You know when you're Serb" list

When you are reading this list and you're cracking up

Your mom uses lard instead of Crisco to fry eggs. ..... and tells you it's good for you

When you are hopelessly trying to bring the Serbian community together

When you make jokes based on your own tragedy

Your church has a fully loaded bar

One of your relatives is a construction worker / painter

You are high maintenance

The main menu for lunch is cabbage and beans.

A loaf of bread is eaten for lunch.

You don't want to have or do any business with Serbs.

The minute Church services are finished you run to the bar in the Church Hall and get plastered

You only go out of town for Serbian Tournaments and Dances

Your dad pronounced the silent b in Climb, plumber, comb etc…

Your parents have a shot of rakija for breakfast

You started to drink at the age of 12

You don't talk to your Kumovi

Your mom wears her bra as a bathing suit

It takes over 8 years to finish college

If you are female, you first name ends in "A"

You have a Serbian cross, flag, or icon, hanging from your rear view mirror

Your uncle makes his own wine that is stronger than rakija

You think everything is a conspiracy

Your dad thinks that the phone is bugged

If you are a girl and not married by the age of 20 you are an old maid

There is a baba hotline 1-800-CALL-BABA

Your mother insists that "promaja" will kill you

Your mother insists that you must eat something with "kasika" at least several times a week

You base your whole life on the fortune in your coffee cup

You eat canned peppers and ajvar with every meal

You have a Kosovka Devojka goblen hanging on your wall

You live with your mom and dad until you are married

You have a pair of wool slippers that your baba knit

Your mom tells you not to sit on concrete or your ovaries are going to freeze

On your birthday, your parents make you take a picture cutting the cake with a huge knife.

Your dad washes the garage floor with the hose wearing cheap criss-cross brown flip-flops.

There's a slab of fat in your fridge called "slanina"

Rakija is used to cure all illnesses, celebrate all occasions and as a massage lotion

When you celebrate Christmas and Easter and New Year two weeks after everyone else

At your birthdays everyone is singing "Happy brzday tu u"

You wear as much gold as your girlfriend/mother/sister

When the head of a pig with an apple in its mouth is looked upon as a delicacy

As a kid you are paid to steal the bride's shoe at a wedding

When your baba will not accept the fact that you're not hungry

You teach all your American friends Serbian cuss words

When your friends can't believe you got drunk at a church function

When all your Serbian friends dad's kick your ass.

When all your Serbian friend's dads offer you slivo at age 16.

Your Tata complains da ga ledga BOLE!!!

When you had/have a pet named Mishko.

Your parents pronounce three, thirteen and thirty three as tri, tirteen, and tirty tree.

You get the mumps and your baba ties slabs of bacon (slanina) around your ears to cure the mumps.

You have a vegetable garden in your backyard consisting of a variety of peppers, onions and tomatoes.

You have a freezer that is loaded with meat products, especially pork.

You have a cold cellar that includes a variety of meat/deli products,pickled goods, and wine.

When your parents constantly say you'll end up a nobody if you don't graduate from University

When you have to reassure your Mother that her cooking is the best

When your Mom proclaims that she doesn't gossip about other Serbs but full well knows that she does

When you're an adult and still recieve Easter chocolate

When you had to go perform as an altar boy

You go to a restaurant and you bring your own drinks

Whenever you went by Baba's house, she offered you supa, sarma, pecenje or kolace and got mad if you didn't eat EVERYTHING.

You are at a zabava and guy's try to pick you up with "Hey baby, what's your slava??"

In your house, the walls are neon green or yellow and your carpet is brown

You can think of nothing you would rather do an a Saturday night than go to a dance

Your American friends will never understand why you spend so much time at church events and you are the farthest thing from holy that there is

You live for the annual Folkfest and/or Soccer Tournament

Whenever you kiss somebody, you kiss them 3 times.

When your grandma says that farting is healthy.

You have 4 pairs of opanke in your attic, basement, closet...

When you are told that you'll grow a tail if you drink coffee at a young age

You are freaked out by 'Babaroga'

You took a bath in a lavor when you were a kid.

Your tata pronounces "oops" as "ups."

All the older Serbs around you are always worried about drafts.

You hear the word "BATINE" and you cringe or go into convulsions

Your tata has a smoke house and smokes all the slanina/prsut/pecenje for the surrounding serb colony

You have opanke hanging from your rear view mirror

The first conversation you had as a baby used the words "jebi ga"

You cant imagine hearing a song without the obligatory "harmonikas solo"

You use Shljivovitca down the carburetor to start your 69 Dodge Charger on a cold winter morning

You know you are a Serb when you live in Detroit and are proud of it!

You know you are a Serb when you can hear your parents talking, and you are across the street.

All other action stops when you hear the music : "Boze Pravde", "Kad sam bio mali", or "Marsirala"

When you're a girl, and you dye your hair no other colour than burgundy..

"Your Baba says everything you do is bad and what you need is a nice Serbian girl to take care of you!"

"You're the first of your friends to get hair on his back, and grey hair to follow"

"Everyone is sure that you're Italian or Greek"

"Your Baba wastes absolutley no food and even sticks flour in the freezer to keep fresh"

"Your Baba lectures you everyday of your life because her own children know better than to listen to her"

"No one has ever pronounced your last name right, and every kid on the block has a nickname for it"

You know you're Serbian when you don't work and you go shell out $300 easy on the weekend

You know you're Serbian, when you are a fan of whatever basketball team Vlade Divac is on

You know you're Serbian when your mom has a whole pharmacy in the medicine cabinet.

When your mum cuts your hair with a "serpa"

When your mum calls you "stoka"

When you can always smell garlic on your parents breath and they insist it kills all the bacteria.

You know you are a Serb when you go to the annual picnic on the 4th of July and it's a big car show where your fellow Serbs show off their cars....

Your parents still prefer to buy cassettes instead of CDs.

When your Baba made you drink warm water when you had a cold, because cold water would make you feel sicker

When your mom tells you not to drink cold water after you have exercisedyou know

When no matter what age you are or how much smarter than your parents you are, they will never listen to what you say 'cause you're still their little " beba "

When your baba tells you that your deda is perfect but don't ask him anything.

When your parents know everything you did at the basketball tournament before you get home

When the baba grapevine travels faster than the national emergency alert system.

A Serbian baby shower is as big as most American weddings!

When your friends can't understand why your summer vacation consists of playing golf in a town called Farrell or Aliquippa.

You know you're a Serb when your neighbors never see you during Memorial Day Weekend because you're traveling with 'that choir'.

You have not seen baba's hair since deda died.

When your mother yells at you for taking a shower each and every morning with her sarcasm "Did you plow the fields today?"

When all guys balk at the idea of meeting you family, especially the male relatives

When no matter how old you are, your parents say you are never right.

When you are 6'5" 250# and your parents think you are too skinny.

You know at least 20 Tool and Die Makers or Machinists or you are one yourself.

Your Dad tells you "kad sam ja bio u tvoje godine...."

You go to church 2 times a year... Bozic and Uskrs

When you say you're hungry, and then go buy pack of smokes

When your baba chases you down the street with her cipela...

When your baba rather walk five miles to the grocery store instead of getting a ride.

When you have a chicken running around in your back yard...

When your tata is talking to you and every other word he calls you is budala...

When your mama gives you vodka when your teething...

When your tata whips you before your relatives come over for your birthday...

When you hang your clothes in the backyard on a clothes line even though you have a dryer...

When you are a eating at the kitchen table with your family and you get in trouble for talking.

You have a shot of rakija followed by a crna kafa and a pack of Malboro's for breakfast.

You sport the latest Nike and Adidas outfits but have never exercised in your life

You always have the latest mobile phone on the market

You can spend 3hrs in a Cafe drinking the same one coffee

Calling someone for a chat at 1am on a weeknight is the norm

When your parents call relatives in Yugo they shout to be heard

Your parents work day and night to build the ultimate brick and concrete mansion so their sin and snaja can live with them in eternal happiness

When everytime your family needs to buy a household item, your father asks the salesperson "how much for cash" and continues to bargain down for at least half an hour

Your parents believe that being left handed is the sign of the devil

When as a young boy/girl you have your head shaved to promote a thick head of healthy hair

As soon as you tell a neighbour you're Serb they ask you for some rakija

When your front yard is all concrete ... and your dad then paints it green

When at least 3 of your cousins are Cro

When you believe the most famous people in the world are Serbs who changed their name

When you're married with kids and your mother still insists on cooking and cleaning for you

When on your birthday everyone pulls your ears

When your baba chases you around the house with a varjaca

When your parents call you "sine" no matter if your a boy or a girl.

When your parents only want to invite your Serbian friends in your house

When your parents only let you go to your Serbian friends' house.

Your mom gloats about how good Serbian food is but cooks Turkish coffee for all her friends

Thinking there's no such thing as Santa Claus but believing St Nicholas will come to your house

When you work part time and drive a BMW

A cassette or Video of Lepa Brena is in your Video case or radio

When your tata tells you a narodna poslovica for everything single wrong thing you do and you think that he made them all up just to prove a point.

Your parents always complain about how the "matematika" you're doing in school is too easy for kids your age.

When your baba and deda believe that you got sick because your parents didn't feed you properly

When you are watching your favorite basketball team and someone scores a three pointer you interpret the referee's three fingers in the air as support for Serbia

When you open gifts not to tear the wrapping so your baba can reuse the paper and bows

When there are more fights at a wedding than a championship match

When you write on your history exam that Nikola Tesla is the father of electricity not Thomas Edison and you teacher fails you.

When you make a pilgrimage to Chicago

When your parents tell you that the laws pertain only to North Amaericans and not them

When you call your next door neighbor "kone"

You get scared when your dad sneezes

When you insist on talking Serbian even when you're with your American friends

When you date someone from church

When all your Serb guy friends insist they're Cetnici

When your dad likes to sit home and play the harmonika

When you go on vacation and your dad spends all his time playing tablic at the hotel

When the spaghetti and macaroni and cheese your mom makes tastes like lamb from the lamb grease she saved to put in everything

When tipping rule of thumb is: no need to tip if you will never eat at that restaurant again

When no one enters your house through the front door. .. everyone is to enter through the garage

When your cat is named matcak and your dog is named kutcak

When your parents will only go to the doctor if they are passed out on the floor or have severed a limb

When to ensure that you will never marry a non-serb, whenever you are in the car with your parents, your parents play Serb music and sing along really loud when the windows are rolled down in the car

If your real first name isn't Serbian, you have two first names -- one is definitely Serbian.

When the first thing you do when you walk into a friends house, is take off your shoes, kiss their mom, and shake their dad's hand

When your friends' parents talk to you like they're YOUR PARENTS too.

When you beg a friend going back to Yugo to get you some kajmak

When you beg a friend going back to Yugo to get you some Serbian cigarettes

When you bang the table and break glasses while singing when you're drunk.

When your father threatens you with a papuca

When your father says "samo ako te zgrabim ja"

Drinking a cold glass of water will get you sick

When beans are served and your dad tells you that you should call it "gospodin pasulj

You know you are Serb when your boyfriend / husband says to you "cut bre"

When you step on poop and your mom tells you that it's a sign of luck or money

You know you're a Serb when this list keeps growing and it's getting hard to edit it!

Baba's extra refrigerator is the back porch...

You can't even think about beginning the kolach until 1:00 in the morning, since it's bad luck to make it any earlier than the morning of slava.It's 2:10 AM when you realize the oven, which deda just "repaired", won't light...

Your first real kiss was during the Kissing Kolo.

You know you're a serb when you are 25, live on you own, and still sneak up the stairs when you get home at six in the morning.

You cut up some onions and garlic and then decide what you will make for dinner.

You think the expression "Don't laugh so much, you will cry" sounds reasonable

The word "Sramota!" will deter you from anything

Every one of your relatives from the old country that immigrates to the the US is an engineer

Cevapcici on the grill are better than steak any day

All Middle Easterners are "Turci"

Your parents order "Pepsi , no ice"

Your grown uncle gets a "batine" from your baba and you don't think twice about it

Your majka is fond of saying "Tanks God"

Garlic flavored boiled pigs feet spread is yummy

Deda has a 25 year club hat and license plate frame from his steel mill job and lost three fingers achieving that milestone

Theres a bust of Cica Draza in your house and a hand made afghan on your recliner

You can hear Ceca pumping in your car, with the subs cranked to the max, two blocks away

You understand what "made in the garage" really means

A week after Slava, Bozic, and Easter you are still eating sarma

When returning from Jugo, everyone at the airport is staring at you becuase your suitcase smells of rakija

After a few years of working there is a pattern on your leave of absence, you are sick every year on the 7th, 14th, and 20th of January

You can dance a kolo to anything, including Serbian rock

You read this list to your mama and tata and all they have to say in their defense is "IC NAT TRU!!!"

You work on a construction, but when you come to YU for vacation you tell everyone how successfull "biznismen" you are.

You feel nostalgic for drinking and vomiting in front of the liquor store.

When you eat any kind of meat for lunch and your baba says that the greasiest part is the sweetest.

You listen to gusle and you actually LIKE it

When your mom can bake a cake without sugar, chocolate, flour and oil, and she calls it " the embargo cake "

When you're sitting in your room and listening to "narodnjake"

When your mama and baba have to wear 18 lbs. of gold around their necks at the zabavas "zato sto narod moze da vidi koliko smo mi bogat!"

You always buy a Mercedes Benz when you decide to move back to YU.

When you've been called djubre at least once in your life

Your parents buy peppers by the bushels

You have a gold chain with a 'pravoslavni krst' on it

..if you sit too close to the T.V., you'll get cancer.

Your father didn't wear under arm deodorant because it could cause cancer

Your parents insist that piling blankets on your body is the way to cure your 102 degree fever

When in the family gathering every generation has its own war and is boming to talk about and be proud for surviving it.

When you think green onions from your deda's garden and a plate of salt is an appetizer

When your mom does your laundry and makes your bed

Your house smells like luk or krompir and you get pissed because it gets on your clothes

When you started going to the clubs at 14

You tell your friends to rebel when their parents tell them to be home before midnight

When you say bitch instead of beach or beach instead of bitch

When your american friends come to your party and beg for you to play something in english

When you try to spell and it comes out the way you speak it

You've either thrown a hotel party or have gotten thrown out of one

You know you are a Serb when you're mom is running after you to put on a "podkusulja"

You know you're a Serb when you refer to John Travolta as "Jontra"

You talk to everyone at a distance of 6 inches

When a lamb/pig was roasted on a backyard pit for your graduation party to the horror of your friends

You know you're a Serb when you sing "DJURDJEVDAN" at all serbian parties

When you are never certain whether to stay abroad or return to Serbia

Your dad tells you "dis is the turd time I am telling you dis" and you are afraid to laugh.

Truisms such as "you don't have to look for a fool with a lantern" and "until you are age 21 you don't have no more brains than a chicken" are meaningful to you.

All your male relatives in the Old Country have a three day growth of beard, smell of onions and B.O., and leave saliva on your cheeks when they kiss you.

Reunions are not complete without dissension and the airing of grievances.

You bring gifts when you come and take gifts when you leave.

You are adored the first 10 years of your life, then treated like a complete idiot until you get married.

You have no idea why the other girls in second grade are so upset when you tell them you eat lamb

When you were a kid you made enough money for any electronic toy you wanted every time you saw your older relatives

You have a doily covering your DVD, VCR, printer, scanner

You make sure to bring pictures of your new car/apartment/house with you to YU and show them to your jealous relatives & friends but make it look unintentional

When you know what "merak" is and spread your arms every single time you hear "Nema raje bez rodnoga kraja"

When you roll pancakes and eat them as a dessert after dinner

When your tata never misses to "oglodati oko kosti"

When you think there is no better thing in the world but to dip bread in the lard dripping from a roasted pig

When your pride is more important than your own happiness

When you do not announce yourself before visiting a friend and are happy to see him/her at your door in the same manner

When you say your last name first and prefer last names that ends in "ic"

You know you're a Serb when your dad thinks everyone from China has a black belt

You know you're Serbian when all you have to do is sniffle and your parents (almost gladly) say, "Uh- huh" and start yelling at you for getting sick

You are poor in the United States, but when you go back to Yugo everyone thinks you are rich.

When there is a knock on the front door and your father asks: Who is?"

When you have run away from Serbia and you’re still saying :It’s the best place to live!

When you’re BABA is criticizing you every time you say the word "picture"!

When you’re BABA doesn’t want to eat Pizza because it has an AWFUL name.

When you make sure that every non-Serb KNOWS that while at the English court they were eating with hands King LAZAR was using a golden fork

When you say that the family is to be loved only in the photos

When the hospitality is consisting in making the guest eat till he doesn't die

When your tata is ironing, cooking cleaning and cooking, but when the doorbell rings, you must not open till he doesn’t put himself on the sofa with a cigarette and a turska kafa

When you meet someone special and the first question you ask is "imas li papire?"

When working 9-5 is like working under fascism the first question you ask at a job interview is "how much vacation time do I have"

When people still think you are from Siberia no matter how many times you tell them Serbia

When you watch a movie and wait to the end to see if there are any jugovic in the credits

You think this list is way too long but have already read to the bottom because it's so funny

When your parents' friends have no shame to tell you that you gained weight

You move next door to a family member to be closer but then end up not talking for something stupid someone said when they were drunk

Your mother serves you tea only when you are sick

Your Baba tells you to eat ice cream only in summertime

You don't understand the language of your church prayers

The tunes of your popular folk songs sound oriental

Your favorite phrase is "Nema problema"

You get phone calls from your relatives in Yugo at 3AM

Every letter you receive from Yugo ends with "Posalji malo para"

Your parents tell you that sleeping in a cold bedroom is good for your health

You're told to speak Serbian to be understood by the whole world

When you're going away for the weekend with your girlfriend/boyfriend and your mama and baba tell you to buy some nice pyjamas and underwear

For the first 16 years of your life you think your name is J.... Ti Sunce'

No matter what the price is your Dad will still say 'kol'ko?,.., ooh, bogati, pa skupo' and 'Nasta trosis pare'.

When you put a pound of butter and a pound of cream cheese on your bagel, then fold it in half.

When you have pictures of saints in your bathroom

Everybody exept for your father serves the guests on "Slava"

When your Dad insists that he must be called Tata and not Dad because to him Dad means Deda

Your parents insists on you dancing the kolo from an early age and can't leave it till they had enough taking you to lessons and that is usually around 16 years of age.

If you were taught to love not just your immediate family but up to your 10th cousin or more and NOT to marry them

When you call the youngest child in your family Bato and don't use their real name

You know you are born in Australia, America, UK etc but the first words out of your mouth is Serbian and not English

When everyone in Yugoslavia asks you "pa de ti se vise svidja? tamo ili ovamo?"

You get mad when somebody says that you speak Yugoslavian

When your deda drives a Yugo

Your easter eggs are coloured brown

When relatives immigrate from Yugo, they live at your house for 6 months first

When your date comes to pick you up and your dad sits on the couch cleaning his hunting gun

You're 14 and some 50 year old guy is trying to pick up on you at the hall

Your mama tells you never to cut out the "srce" of a watermelon, but the whole slice or "tata ce da vice kada dodje kuci!"

When you pack to go for serbia and out of the 4 suitcases you are carrying, only one of them is actually yours

When 3 different strangers are waiting for you at the airport to collect their gifts that you are carrying with you

When you tell people you are Serbian, they always ask... "So ... What is it like there now?"

You live in the adult world but when you go home, you feel like your 9 years old all over again

When you can actually pronounce the "g" in jagnje

When your Tata always says "Dodji Tati"

When your Deda always says "Dodji Dedi"

When your mother in law puts garlic under the cradle of your baby to save him from "uroka"

When your baba complains about the mess but does not intend on doing anything about it

When your mama tells you that the sweetest things on earth are luk and kiseli kupus

When your dad yells at little Serbian kids for speaking English

Your dad calls your friend Sarah > sera, and your friend Jose > koza

When your dad tells you not to drink so much, but he drinks non stop

When you're at a soccer game and your tata is yelling "j**** ja" at the whole team and all the "amerikanci" know it can't be a good thing

Your parents tell you that "gurlz" love guys that can dance a good kolo

if your not married by the age of 20 your family wants to send you back home to find “a nice boy”

When your family suggests that u go to Yugo to marry your cousin so u can bring them over to Canada

Asian people are friends with your dad because he's name is Dragan. And they think it's Dragon

You have more than 200 serbian movies, but you have never watched them

You have a good husband if he works and doesn't beat you

At your christening a silver dollar on your navel will protect you from evil and make you rich

Baba says "palachinki" and everyone heads for the table

When she is mad your mama tells you that she will send you back to where you came from

When your tata does a running commentary through a movie and he thinks he knows everything that's going to happen even though he has never seen the movie

When you are in a circle of fellow Serbs having a conversation and anything round dropped into the middle of the group becomes a soccer ball subject to juggling

When you actually know what it means when Peja Stojakovic holds up three fingers

When you put ground potatoes in your socks to cure a fever

There is always "pita" on the kitchen counter and multiple pita dough bundles in your freezer at all times

After cooking Pita, you eat it for dinner, breakfast, lunch and dinner

Your parents don't expect you to make good grades, as long as they are better than everybody else's

Your tata yells at you "budala, neznas nista!" when you tell him that the crowd isn't yelling "DIVAC", they are actually yelling "Defense" during the Sacramento Kings game regardless if they are home or away

Seeing an animal's brain in the fridge doesn't freak you out

Your mom or baba only use two settings on the stove: MAX or OFF

When you call Santa "Deda Mraze"

When you mom or grandma tells you to pee before you go outside

When the only family u have here is your mom dad and siblings

You use the words brat i sestra for your brother and sister and for your cousins

You know when you are a Serb when you are born on a Serbian Saint Day and named after that saint.. eg Nicola, Lazer, Savo etc..

Upon meeting another Serb, one of your first questions is, "What church do You go to?"

When at your wedding reception as you enter the hall, they play "Marsh Na Drinu".

You've convinced all your friends that Bon Jovi's name is actually Bojan Jovic

You coverted the garage into a kitchen just to feed all the family and guest that showed

When your tata chases the pigeons off the balcony with a mop, then sits down and says "dayll be back"

When tata allways "AMMA YOY"

When everyone always turns over their cup after drinking tursku kafu even though they know there is no one to tell them their fortune.

When your tata is looking at an old photo album and sees himself young and says "jao sto sam bio frajer" and ur mom tells him "molim te nemoj da s...ลก!"

When your pit bull's name is Pedja

You can make a public announcement by telling just one Serb friend something in confidence.

As a child, the babas at your church caused you permanent brain damage from asphyxiation by pressing your face into their ample boobs while shouting, "o joj, zlato!" over and over again

You have an ashtray in your shower

Your parents spend hours talking about the best djubre for the vegetables

Your deda tells you that his family were the wealthiest in the village because they owned two cows and a donkey

When you go on holiday, you take the same suitcase that your dad had with him when he arrived in the country over 30 years ago

You are named after your ujko, stric, tata or deda

Your mother keeps buying and sending you clothes long after you have grown up and left home

No one believes you are a Serb if you come from Texas, Alabama, Georgia or Mississippi and have a drawl, even if your last name is Manojlovich or Bogdanovich

You are the only race that suffers from PROMAJA

When TATA goes to any professional and says STA ON ZNA, NEMA POJMA

You know you're a Serb when your parents yell "kakva je ta skola" when you cannot complete their tax returns while you're in the third grade.

You tell your friends that you love sipak (rosehip) jam and they have no idea what it is

When you've heard "kuku meni" way too many times in your life ..

--- new entries ---

When your tata, ujko, stric, tetak, or deda cross their legs like a woman

When you're about 4 years old and you have to show your "cuna" to some old Serb who gives you one dollar and is pleased to see that you are becoming a man.

If u hate wearing opanke but u still have to for folklore

If your American friends cant understand why you spend every summer vacation in Yugo

If u use "bre" or "j___ g_" in your dialog

If your parents think that Yugos are the best, and the whole world is just stupid

If your parents can't pronounce "turtle"

The only place your Djedo and Baba shop is Sears.

You believe drinking the juice from the kupus barrel is as good as a flu shot.

Your church fries fish on Fridays

Your Baba always gestures with a large kitchen knife

Your Baba can only cook in quantities of 20.

There are enough canned goods in your Baba and Djedos cellar to stay underground through the next millennium

A healthy Serbian breakfast is fried eggs, slanina, pogacha and a shot of slivo or rakja. Your deda has been eating this for years and has the lowest cholesterol count in the family.

When your mom makes you put on a sweater in the house because SHE's cold.

When you know the biggest killer of Serbs isn't heart disease or cancer, but PROMAJA.

When your neighbors think your garage is on fire, but it's just your Dad smoking meat.

When your entire garage smells like an outhouse from the 55 gallon barrel of Kupus.

When your Dad tries to make you dring "Rasola" (kupus juice), and tries desparately to convince you how good it is!

When everytime you ask your Dad where he's going, he says; "U g____u. Oces li i ti?"

When people are readig this list and they are serious in analyzing each line, contemplating its truth in depth and giving it a historical perspective

When you have a stomach ache and your mom says "Skupi se"

Your baba, deda, tata, mama wash off every inch of concrete around your whole house at least once a week.

When you have a wrestling match against your dad your deda laughs.

Your baba and deda are born in Croatia

When every wedding you go to the kolo is always cacak

There is no wedding without a kolo

When people at weddings shout like mad people

When a pop has a beard

When everyone likes kolo's.

Not only do you eat bread with every meal, but then you use the left-over bread to wipe your plate clean.

You dance folklor... or if you're a guy your mom makes you

Your day suddenly lights up when you meet another Serb

You tell Americans where you are from and you end up explaining the entire history of Yugoslavia

Tata and brat drive 75 mph with one finger on the wheel and no seat belt while smoking and telling a story

Mama knocks on wood when saying "Hvala Bogu"

Salata is eaten with the meal, not before

Your relatives are constantly trying to hook you up with some Balkan person they know

Deda drinks rakija to "clear his throat" in the morning

When your dad makes rakija from grapes from your backyard

When your real name is Nick/ Nikola, serbs call you Nidjo

When your dad has a ton of yarn socks from Serbia

When your relative comes from Serbia they bring home-made rakia

When your baba does all the household chores

When a relative/friend comes from Serbia, they bring chocalate for the kids.

When your dad buys a car he says it's a great car

When your baba taught you the serbian language as a kid

When your mom was the only one to buy you video games and clothes

When you need something you're dad asks right away, "sta ti treba to?"

You started smoking when you went to Serbia for the first time.

When you get back from Srbija, you immediately go on myspace and download all the songs from Serbian singers' pages. Then listen to them for 2 months before getting back to American music.

Your MySpace page has a hundred photos with you and your friends holding up three fingers

When your mother or grandmother bathed you in a "korito" with boiling hot water when you were a baby

When you translate for your father at court but he answers the judge in English

You know your Serbian when your parents....relatives...... and most of all Grandparents incourage you to drink.... and if you back away they make fun of you.

You're the only one on your block that has Christmas lights out on your house till well after December 25th

Your dad is out in the backyard with a large bowl or plastic bag and cutting dandelion leaves with a knife to put in the salata.

Your parents praise the country they came from but would never move back.

You rip the hleb and eat it dry.

You eat bread that's ripped up in a bowl of hot milk and love it.

You must wear papucas (slippers) at all times so you don't catch cold

From B92 Blog:

when you go to Serbian wedding, and every male is trying to make passes at Kuma.

When at that same wedding, kuma always ends up dancing on the table.

When the church has the bar in the basement, and a beer cooler directly under the altar.

When there are two Serbian churches in your town, and they are on non-speaking terms (calling each other "communists".)

When the priest of that church got a beating for trying to put up a "No Smoking" sign.

When he eventually did put up that sign, he lost half of the church attendants.

When, even after living for 30 years in the US, you still refer to it as "tudjina".

When, after living for 30 years in the US, you still answer the phone with "molim?"

They lower their voice when speaking about "Udba", "Tito", or "komunisti", even though they live 10,000 miles away, thirty years later.

When you judge the quality of the soup by the amount of fat that floats on top of it. "Dva prsta" is the best.

When by "fish" you mean fried carp, even though you live in Florida.

(Been there seen that).
Some replies:

"Kuma? You mean godmother?! :)"

"one who, apart from being the first one up on a loosen table in high heels, is dressed in the most provocative way at the wedding ... either in an ultramini skirt, or in a dress with ultralarge decolletes from up and below ... or both, if wedding is really good"

"you are serbian...

when you go into your local bombshelter and get gassed by the stink of onions."

"local bombshelter?"

"Better forget 1999 Serbian experience during 78 days of NATO (read USA) bombardment.

I heard loud airplane flying over Ljubljana tonight and this always reminds me of the shocking noise when hundreds of them from Western Europe grouped overhead on March 24th."

"Every ex-communist country has a lot of bombshelters in towns, because they were always preparing for war. Actually, not only ex-commie countries, I beleive you Americans built quite a few bombshelters during the Cuban missile crisis...

Now, being practical as we are, we turned our bombshelters in either mini-malls (usually occupied by Chinese stores nowadays) or storage rooms for potatoes and sauerkraut... :)"
Friends/Serbian Friends comparison:

Rather true comparison, have seen myself in most of it :)

FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings a nice bunt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.

FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its
usually only on special occasions.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage.

FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they get out of line the Serbian friend can set them straight...plus they get fed.

FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal

FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect cake and coffee, no more.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee, a meal, a choice of two meats, Sarma , Potatoes, Homemade cookies and cakes and plates to take home...time permitting there will be a late snack as well.

FRIENDS: Think that being Serbian is a great thing.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Know that being Serbian is a great thing

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello"
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Your friends' father laughs when he talks about junk cars he used to drive as a student.
SERBIAN FRIENDS: Your Serbian friends' father can talk affectionately, with tears in his eyes, for hours about his 1967 used "Fica", and the great fun he had driving it for 10 years.
Another reply:
"Great list. Did you write this yourself? One small edit - Serbian friends never give "a kiss", they give three."


Anonymous said...

I confirm. All above told the truth. Let's discuss this question.

Anonymous said...

I think, what is it ?a lie.