Passing gas - maximum overkill

Seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights...

Middle School Issues Ban on Intentional Flatulence

CAMDEN (Feb 4, 08): The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it and allegedly making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.

According to this week's "Fire Cracker" newsletter though, an informal eighth-grade publication, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.

"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"

CRMS Principal Maria Libby said Tuesday that part of what the students wrote isn't true, and though she acknowledged that there is a punishment for "disruptive behavior," she said there is no new official policy regarding intentionally expelling flatus.

"A ban on intentional farting is not true and I'm not sure if it started as a game or not," said Libby. "It is also not true that this is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions, as was stated in the newsletter, and a detention is only warranted if the behavior is deemed a disruption."

Libby added, "It's not a new policy, but farting can be considered a disruption."

According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school.

"They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day."
When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.

One of the other students, Kyle Ruger, said the act by the boys was funny, but he had mixed feelings about whether it was appropriate.

Jordan Knowlton minced no words when she expressed how she felt, saying, "It's gross."

Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.

School Superintendent Patricia Hopkins said she had not heard anything about the issue or the alleged suspected result until contacted by the media, though she did get a good chuckle out of the news.

VillageSoup/Knox County Times Senior Reporter Holly S. Anderson can be reached at 207-236-2496 or by e-mail at handerson@villagesoup.com.

This got me started thinking...

animated laughing green smiley And that's always a dangerous thing!
How, exactly, is anybody going to prove whether a given episode of flatulence is intentional or not?
large animated ROFL smiley
Will passing gas become the newest middle-school "hate crime," depending upon what - if anything - is in the mind of the gas-passer? Or, perhaps, the expulsion of noxious gases is considered to be a violation of the Geneva Convention?
When I saw the link to the above article on a now-defunct forum, here's what I suggested:
Methinks we need a new smiley here. The general concept I have in mind would combine this:
Kiss my butt animated smiley
...(although preferably viewed from the side)
and this:
Maximum overkill green flame smiley
(with the corrosive green flames emerging from the (in)appropriate orifice)
Of course, the school newspaper just has to be called the Fire Cracker!

But that's child's play, compared to this:

MonkeyChapps.com: Blast Master

Posted by Monkee on February 7, 2008 under The human condition
Yes, it’s true. In 1998, I won an international award for flatulence. I’d like to tell my story, and how it may affect your life.

As a child, I was a finicky eater. The only foods I loved were cheese and baked beans. When I ate those foods however, I found that I farted a lot. Being a preadolescent, this created hours of fun for me and my pals. I was about to create huge noisy blasts, and I could control the sound so that I could emulate a fog horn, and elephant, and a 1963 Buick with a rusted exhaust pipe.

But as I got older, it just became uncool to be loud. Girls were no longer impressed, and guys didn’t want to be seen around me, since then they would strike out with the babes. But I still needed to toot. The only thing left was to develop my SBD skills, (Silent But Deadly). We all know that girls like a guy with skills.

The first thing was the science. Flatulence that really reeks is based on the fermentation and decay of food in the bowels. I created a custom diet consisting of broccoli, cheese, peas, whole grains, and of course, tasty baked beans. It was bad. Very bad. I discovered that by lighting my farts, I could project a flame nearly 2 feet. The smell was so bad that even my dog would whimper. But it lacked something.

Then one day, I was having lunch in a Korean restaurant. As usual, I cut a quick fart just to clear the seats around me. But then something happened. My eyes began to water as a stench so foul hit me that I was temporarily frozen. Then the odor became so bad that I puked right in my food. Three seats down, an old Asian man began to laugh. I realized that this old guy had cut the rankest cheese I ever smelled. My whole body was weak, and my pants were stained with vomit. I had to know more.

I skipped work that afternoon and talked to the old cheese cutter for hours. He told me of techniques from the orient that were unknown to westerners. More than that, he revealed to me the one food I was missing, Kim Che. Yes, the real Korean Kim Che that is fermented in the ground for 2 months. If I mixed that with the awesome fart diet I already had, I would be able to melt any vinyl stool in America.

I thanked the old man and started my training. In six months I was ready. That was when, in 1992, I went to Germany to represent the U.S. in Blast-Off, the world flatulence competition, where I won the gold medal. I met the heads of state in several European countries, and was asked to leave a sample of my gas in France, where scientists would break down the components to create new cologne.

Here are some of the things I’m doing, so you know if you’ve had a visit from the champ.
  1. Walmart. I love to cut it at Walmart. Confined spaces are the best, the long narrow isles the confined check out lanes where people are pressed in. I love to make a face and stare at you like you did it, but let’s face it. No one cuts the cheese like me.
  2. Elevators. I like to do it as I exit, so the people standing there have something to remember me by. But the best is “The coffin of Death”. That’s where I’m in by myself, cut a big one, than hurry out as people are entering. By the time the door closes, they discover the smell but it’s too late. They’re trapped.
  3. Quiet places like libraries or movie theaters. Since I am the master of SBD, I can discreetly walk around leaving scent bombs and nobody is the wiser.
So there you have it. I love to fart, and the care I put into crafting a deadly smell cannot be matched. So if you find yourself in a shopping mall, church, or somewhere there are lots of people, and your eyes begin to tear up, babies cry, and you find yourself braking out into a cold sweat as an awful stench starts to permeate your clothes, look around.

I am there.

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